Lost letter to a former teacher

Mrs. C-----B-----:
     You recently inquired how one could possibly “stop the awful scourge of [S]enioritis” that has so mercilessly taken over your classes. I’m sorry to report that there is no cure for this plague of lethargy and unmotivated spirit. There is no way to “stop” it permanently (and by permanently, I mean for the entirety of the last three months of school, when the disease is running rampant through the halls of high schools everywhere).

     There are, however, a few ways to treat the symptoms directly and increase quality of work in your students/patients. Six have been listed below, in no particular order, because I’m a doctor and honestly can’t be bothered finding the optimum sorting method for such things. I am very important! I have lives to save!
1) Offer them cookies. This is a failsafe method for making anyone between the ages of 3 and 93 do something they do not want to do (although the elderly should be monitored if they wear dentures). Warm cookies are especially effective.
2) Threaten to change their earlier marking period grades. They might not be concerned about one U, because mathematically, they could still average
out the year with a B+, but with four Us, it becomes a little more complicated. (Note: Even if you cannot ACTUALLY do this, students won’t know if you are a good enough liar.)
3) Con and/or confuse an assignment out of them. Make them think that they are having fun when REALLY, they are learning. It’s pretty simple, actually. If you assign them something they’re already doing, they probably won’t stop it just because you assigned it. They can’t be bothered to change their routine.
4) Take them for a walk outside. Although it is possible to sleepwalk, it is difficult to do so on cue. And they’ll want to frolic in the sunlight like the happy little people they are – say they can, as soon as they write a poem about a dandelion.
5) If you are seeking to give your class “meaning” to your students, consider changing your subject. The grand (and grandiose) CollegeBoard-stamped title of AP Literature can only evoke a response on days preceding the actual exam. Post-test, take your class in a completely new direction. Mix it up. Skydiving Tuesdays, Forensic Science Thursdays, Ballroom Mondays, etc. Some could even address issues they will have to deal with next year: Cooking to Survive a Cold Winter in Ithaca, How to do Laundry Without Turning Things Pink, What Not to Put Up Your Roommate’s Nose are some suggested mini-courses.
6) Throw thick, hardcover books at them. If they do not fall over, you didn’t throw it hard enough. Practice on squirrels that eat from your birdfeeder.
     I hope that helped a bit. Be careful not to get sued for any of those. Parents can be cruel.
Best of luck,
Doctor of Nothinginparticular

BROBDINGNAGIAN

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